


you are also a star

by kagewho



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College, Heavy Angst, M/M, One Shot, Sad Ending, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:09:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29667087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kagewho/pseuds/kagewho
Summary: in which akaashi’s mum passed away and bokuto tries to help him through it
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	you are also a star

**Author's Note:**

> massive massive trigger warning for depression and suicide,  
> it doesn't go into detail about method etc but if mention or implied mention of suicide triggers you don't read this please

'Look up,'

Akaashi felt the familiar texture of Bokuto's callused fingers brush against the underside of his chin as his head was angled upwards towards the beautiful expanse of stars in the sky. Reluctantly, Akaashi obliged his boyfriend's request. He had much preferred the original view he had of Bokuto's handsome feature illuminated perfectly in the dim light the moon cast onto the beach but it was the man's birthday after all, so he would make an allowance just this once.

After a small get-together with their friends, both older ones from high school and newer ones from college, Akaashi had suggested they drive out to the shore where they spent their first date. They visited as often as they could, though their lives were even busier now, since stargazing was one of Akaashi's favourite past-times. It had always been something he enjoyed doing, staring up at the endless expanse of the sky. But the meaning of the time he spent laying on his back with his eyes focused upwards had changed when did it for the first time with the love of his life.

Back in high school, it was a sort of therapy for him. He had to remind himself that he was part of something bigger some days so he was able to trudge on through weeks that seemed to blend into one another. But the first time he let Bokuto in enough to share such an intimate moment with him was when his view of the world shifted. Bokuto joined him enthusiastically on the sand of this very same beach and, true to his character, did not remain quiet for long. Akaashi had listened intently as Bokuto invented constellations, pointing them out to his silent boyfriend with a wide grin as he span tall tales of the warriors and gods of ancient civilisations that had been immortalised in the stars. For the first time while star gazing, a smile had spread across Akaashi's delicate features while he watched the expanse of the universe unfurl before him. That had been the moment he realised that it was now Bokuto that pulled him through the wonderful days, the menial days and the awful days alike. Now Bokuto was that something bigger that he was a part of. Bokuto had become his universe.

It wasn't a particularly cold night, though not warm either. Bokuto was fine in a plain white t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants, though they weren't ideal for the beach. Akaashi, on the other hand, laid beside him in a thick, grey sweater and a matching pair of black sweatpants. He was usually the cold one out of the pair and even now, swaddled in clothes that would've made anyone else sweat, his fingertips were icy against the back of Bokuto's palm when he gave his hand a tight squeeze.

Soon after, Bokuto started on one of his infamous stories and Akaashi listened intently as he tried to imagine the shapes his boyfriend was explaining traced out onto the sky. Bokuto span several tales as the night got colder and the roads got quieter. He kept reciting stories until the beach was silent, save the soothing rush of waves lapping against the shore. He had just finished an especially long story about a mermaid and a witch when he turned to his best friend, a sombre look on his face.

'You know,' He started, offering a tight squeeze of his own to Akaashi's hand, 'I love you so much.'

Akaashi chuckled lightly, smiling at the worried look in Bokuto's eyes, like he was genuinely concerned, even after all this time, that Akaashi wouldn't know how much he loved him.

'I know, Bo,' Akaashi reassured him, 'I love you too.'

Bokuto smiled, seemingly satisfied with his boyfriend's response.

Not long after that, they made to leave. Doing their best to wipe the sand off of their clothes before climbing back into Bokuto's car and heading back to their dorms. Bokuto dropped Akaashi off at his dorm first and they parted with a kiss before Bokuto headed back to his own piece of home in their big university.

It wasn't until a little later on, laid on his back on his small bed that sat jammed into the corner of his room, that he received a text that caused him to furrow his black eyebrows in confusion. He had been scrolling aimlessly through social media when the message came through from him father, asking if he was awake and to call him at his earliest convenience.

Akaashi had never been particularly close with his parents but they were on good terms, he spoke to them regularly and loved them very much like most well-treated children did. But it was highly unusual to receive a text from either of his parents so late, much less his father since he often arose early in the morning still to make his loving wife breakfast. So it was unsurprising when Akaashi heart and thoughts began speeding up, as if in a race with each other to see who could cause him to break out into an anxiety attack first. For several minutes, he could only bring himself to think of the worst outcomes as he breath became shallower and shallower.

He thought of Bokuto, which was fast becoming a commonality between his moments of panic. He thought of how Bokuto would place a soothing hand on his shoulder and begin to rub in small, comforting circles. He thought of how he would steady his breathing, inhaling and exhaling loudly so Akaashi could attempt to follow along through his gasps for air. He thought of the steady stream of reassuring words Bokuto fed to him as he calmed down gradually.

It helped Akaashi relax. He managed to regulate his breathing and stop the tears from spilling over in his eyes as he reassured himself that nothing bad had happened, thinking to himself that his mother's birthday was coming up and his father tried to always top himself after so many years of manage. Yes, it was probably about that, Akaashi affirmed. But there was still a quiver in his hand as he dialled and held his phone up to his ear.

His hand was right to quiver. The tears were well placed in the corner of his eyes. His mind was, for once, correct in its assumption of the worst possible outcome.

Clenching his jaw, he heard as his father struggled to say the words no one wanted to have to utter. His mother had died.

Akaashi's father tried to soften the blow, thinking of his son even in the worst moments of his life. But the sentiment was lost on Akaashi as his father assured him that his mother had gone peacefully in her sleep, that she was now in a better place and that she would be so proud of him. It was selfish but Akaashi could care less that she was in a better place, she wasn't here with the family that loved her and that was a cruel punishment that he knew at the very least his father didn't deserve.

Choking back sobs, Akaashi did his best to comfort his father. He was not yet so lost in grief that he was immune to his father's suffering. He apologised for nothing in particular, returning the words of reassurance that his father had offered him. The phone call did not last much longer after that. What could else possibly be said? After they shared a rare 'I love you', the call ended.

Akaashi was still sat on the edge of his bed, phone loosely held in his hand. He did know what to do. Tears rolled down his cheeks but he didn't really know why. It felt so, so surreal. For a moment, he wondered if he's hallucinated the entire call in an extreme fit of panicked anticipation. He even checked the call log to reassure himself. And sure enough, his short call with his father was listed there right at the top. Above all of the phone calls and FaceTimes he'd shared with Bokuto.

Bokuto.

It felt selfish to call Bokuto in the middle of the night to share this awful news with him and ask for his comfort, knowing that he would not refuse and would be there as quickly as humanly possible. Akaashi was not a selfish person. He strictly avoided dragging Bokuto into the depths of his sadness with him, aware that it would just mean they were both upset. It was about one of the only things Bokuto ever scolded Akaashi for, assuring him that Akaashi would always be safe to share his emotions with him. 'A problem shared is a problem halved' Bokuto would always say, with a cheesy grin; placing his fists on his elbows and puffing out his chest like an proud bird.

Akaashi was not sure that overused saying would be right this time, but if there was anyone that could save him from the drowning feeling that was lapping at his stomach, it was the love of his life.

So he called Bokuto, who picked up immediately and raced over so fast Akaashi would've been concerned for his safety on the road had he been able to feel anything past the hole in his chest. Bokuto stayed with him the whole night. They curled up onto Akaashi's tiny bed. It was much too small for the six foot one volleyball played much less the both of them. But Akaashi finally felt a little comforted when he was wrapped up in the arms of his soulmate as he placed soft kisses on his hair, occasionally offering him whispered words of reassurance. It was the quietest Bokuto had ever been around Akaashi.

***

Bokuto stayed by Akaashi's side through it all. Through the days and days and days of tears. He visited as often as he was able, bringing food and drink and anything else Akaashi could need as he watched Akaashi neglect himself more and more.

He went with Akaashi for the funeral. Akaashi hadn't known he'd been in denial until then. He thought that the oceans of tears were a symbol of his acceptance but they truly had been nothing compared to the pain he felt when he sobbed into Bokuto's chest as his mother was lowered into the ground. He still didn't want to accept it, who ever did? That his doting mother would never offer him a warm hug again. Akaashi thought of all the times he had been cruel to her, choosing to stay with friends when he visited or favouring practise over time with her and he could barely stand. Bokuto was glad he had the strength to hold him up while holding back his own tears back, not wanting to upset Akaashi any further. They hadn't stayed around to socialise much after that.

It only got harder from there.

***

Their first fight was late on a Saturday night. Bokuto was cleaning up around Akaashi's room, humming a cheery tune to himself as he went. Akaashi grunted in frustration at the sound, did he have to be so happy all the time?

'Would you shut up?' The venom in his voice stung at Bokuto's heart and the small smile dropped off his face.

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again at the expression of distain on Akaashi's features. He had never looked at Bokuto that way before. He resumed tidying up, silently this time and they shared no more words until much later on when Akaashi was rummaging through the mess of papers stacked on his desk.

Whirling to face Bokuto who was reclining on his bed, his tone was once again filled with anger.

'Where's the little square sheet of pink paper that was right here?' Akaashi pointed to a clear spot on the desk.

'I don't know,' Bokuto shrugged and his tone was genuine, 'If it's not there I might have chucked it away?'

'Fucking hell,' Akaashi slammed his fist onto the desk and the whole structure shook from the force, 'Why would you do that are you stupid or something?'

Bokuto flinched at his words, they had been careful chosen to hurt him and Akaashi knew it even if it was subconsciously. They knew each other's insecurities well after so many years so Akaashi was well aware how Bokuto felt in regards to his intelligence. Bokuto inhaled deeply, trying to remind himself that Akaashi was going through something.

'I didn't mean to,' He lifted himself off the bed, making his way over to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, 'I can help you look for it if you want?'

Akaashi shifted Bokuto's hand off his shoulder with a grunt.

'No, I don't want your help,' Akaashi retorted.

'Are you sure? I-' Bokuto began but he was interrupted.

'Jesus do you ever give up?' Akaashi spat, continuing before Bokuto had a chance to respond, 'Just get out. You're so annoying.'

Bokuto's eyes widened and his arm fell to his side. For the first time in weeks, the tears he restrained welled up in his eyes. Akaashi stared at him, nothing in his expression but exasperation which was only exaggerated by his sunken cheek bones and the deep purple bags under his eyes. The taller boy said nothing else. He grabbed his stuff and left without so much as a goodbye and he felt the pull of his heart in the direction of the broken man he was leaving all alone. But maybe it was for the best, maybe he just needed a little time.

When the door closed behind Bokuto, Akaashi slammed his back into it and sank to the floor. For the first time in a while, he was crying. But these were tears of anger, not sadness. He was angry at himself, mostly. For treating him that way, regretting the words he hissed even as they left his mouth. But he couldn't seem to stop himself from saying them, there was so much emotion in his body that some had to spill out and the only way that seemed possible right now was anger.

He was angry at something besides himself though. But he didn't really know what. God? The Universe, maybe? Whatever supreme being that ruled over the land of the living was what caused the rest of Akaashi's unbridled anger. He cursed at whatever that was, not caring if he got sent to eternal damnation for it. There was no circle of hell that could hurt him any deeper then the hell he was living in this moment.

And Bokuto was on the receiving end of this anger for many more arguments than just that first one. And they only got worse. Even Bokuto only had so much tolerance for someone treating him such a way. So he would lash back at Akaashi occasionally, though his words were never as harsh. He could not bring himself to be cruel to the man he loved so dearly at one of the worst point of his life. And Akaashi was looking less and less like himself. His movements slow and groggy no matter how much he slept.

In an attempt to protect the man he loved, Akaashi tried to distance himself from Bokuto. He stopped answering his calls and messages, saying he had to study if he ever came over to check on him and never accepting any invitations to go out with friends or just by themselves. And, as much as Bokuto loathed himself to admit it, he stopped fighting as hard to see Akaashi. It got so painful to watch his soulmate waste away and it was getting harder to hold his tears in until he got home.

***

It was with this separation, that those thoughts started to return. Akaashi had hoped in vain that, after high school and the years of therapy, he would never have to fight off these emotions again but there seemed to be back, clawing at his subconscious when he sat alone in his room. Which happened so often these days.

It would be so much easier. To just leave, like his mother had. He was so tired, deep down to his bones. It hurt to breath, to think, to cry past the wound in his heart and mind. Everyday the voice feeding him these thoughts got stronger. He couldn't help but contemplate it. He felt like him disappearing would have such a small effect on the world. That expansive universe would still spread far and wide even if he wasn't there to look at it. There was no sadness nor anger in these thoughts. He had managed to convince himself they were rational as he sat alone in his room. He was only being hedonistic, choosing the option that would leave everyone with the most pleasure possible while eliminating his pain.

The only thing that caused him to reconsider his decision was Bokuto. He was coming around more often again, though it as still no where near as much as he used to. He felt once again, like it was that man, his cheesy grin and warm hugs, that kept him tethered to the earth.

But it was one day, weeks after the passing of his mother, that Bokuto had finally managed to drag Akaashi back out to that beach. That Akaashi finally caught a glimpse of the pain he was causing Bokuto. He had just forgotten how much Akaashi loved to watch him while they stargazed, so he hadn't put on that faltering smile while he stared upwards. And Akaashi finally saw how selfish he was being. He was doing what he never wanted to, dragging Bokuto down into the sadness with him. And for the first time in a while he felt nothing but pure hatred for himself.

Bokuto would find another person. Someone a lot happier and healthier than Akaashi. Someone that wouldn't do what Akaashi did to him. Bokuto could be so much happier. And he deserved it more than Akaashi deserved any single second of Bokuto's time.

He decided to stop being selfish.

***

Bokuto found the note before he found the body early that next morning.

He saw the paper folded neatly on the desk, his name written across the front in Akaashi's beautiful penmanship. He opened it with a familiar look of wide-eyed curiosity.

_My dearest Ko,_

_There is no way I can express how I feel for you in this letter, I haven't such a way with words. But I will do my absolute best to allow you to understand my feelings._

_First, I want you to know that this was not your fault. I've have been teetering on a ledge since long before you, in fact, you were the one thing that pulled me closer to safety._

_Every single day I spent with you was the best day of my life and I'm so sorry to have tarnished our last few with my sadness. I hate to be so selfish. You deserve a lot more than I could have ever offered you and I hope you will not mourn me for long so you are open to finding it. Please do not linger on thoughts of me, because the eternity I spend in the afterlife will be occupied with our memories. I'm sure I will annoy every angel or demon with my ramblings of you and the light you brought to every day of my life._

_I'm so sorry I had to leave you so soon. And I'm so sorry that there was not someone else to find me before you had to. I guess that is another selfish thing I will do but I suppose I always have been as selfish as I hoped not to be._

_Finally, I want to remind you that I love you and I know that you love me so I hope you will grant me this last selfish request. Please continue to stargaze, no one else should miss out on your wonderful stories on my behalf._

_If you ever miss me, look up._

_Love,_  
_Akaashi._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. And please remember, there will always people happier to listen to your problems than to hear news of your death. If you are ever struggling, please, please reach out to someone even if it is me.


End file.
